When You're Glad You're Home

Pictures and dates remind me of pleasant times and breathtaking places. This photo was taken early March upon arriving in London to visit my mother.  The flowers were so unexpected. They remind me of a place with milder weather, family and opportunities to travel. But I am here in Minnesota and I sit looking out at the approaching snow storm.  The snow is deep from the last storm and the wind is already howling. Why wouldn't I wish I was abroad, traveling the world, leaving the interminable cold behind?  Something happened this week that made me realize that even now, midwinter, I am better off right here.

It was early evening, still barely light, and I had to run a quick errand out to the family farm.  I hadn't been that way since all the snow changed the landscape so drastically, and I had difficulty seeing my turn before it was too late. I remembered not to slam on the brakes, and just slowed down at the side of the road to turn around.  Only it wasn't the side of the road, but a deep gully full of snow.  I slid into the snow covered ditch and was stuck.  When I realized what had happened I took a breath and started to review my options.  Before I could even get out my phone a car passed and stopped ahead of me.  It was my brother-in-law's girlfriend on her way home.  She laughed and told me what to do.  Before I could even consider calling for help, my father-in-law drove up in his truck.  He told me to jump in, and drove me to my sister-in-law's place, where he picked up a tow rope and some help in the form of my nephew.  So I waited in the warm farm house kitchen while my van was pulled out of the deep snow.  Then I was able to drive home.... after thanking my extended family....

How could I have gotten out of that scrape so easily?? No getting stranded; no urgently calling everyone I know for help; no panicking.  You see, when this sort of thing has happened to me in other countries it has been a cause for me to feel the clouds of doom descend and hopelessness sits in.  Even if I can speak the language, I don't know where to look, who to ask.  I am dependent on someone to take pity on me and help, and there is usually no one there. I feel alone.  I try to help myself, but I don't have the skills, or the presence of mind to think clearly.  Anxiety can cripple a person, and unexpected difficulties can feel like physical pain. 

You might wonder why I continued to travel, sometimes alone, for years while I struggled with this anxiety.  I was able to hide it behind the beautiful scenes and exciting posts of my blog. People believed I was living a dream, footloose and fancy free.  But the truth was less glamorous.  When the struggle became too much and threatened to overwhelm me, I simply moved on.  By leaving the past behind, I could prevent anyone from finding out how much help I really needed.  When you move, you make new friends, you portray yourself differently and seek out a new doctor. And each time  I would hope that a new place would bring a change for the better.